Sunday, 6 May 2012

a depressing tale of woe

Hey guys, so many people may not know this about me but I sometimes suffer from immense cases of moodswings. And I don't mean the shitty kind in moves, I mean I can be playing dem games and be having loads of fun and then I see a friend say something or somethings happens that makes me think of random stuff and I suddenly become really down, and it sucks balls.
It also works with anger, I can flip out and be in a mega rage sometimes too, although I never rage to people. If I'm angry I hide it, and it makes me feel like shit, but it's all cool.

Anyway so I'm in the down mood right now.
And many people throw the word "depressed" around like a fucking bad joke. But not me. According to things I've read up the things I feel are apparently depression, but even if it is I'm not going to just blindly throw that word around. The only way anyone could be certain is with a clinical analysis.
WHICH BY THE WAY I WOULD LOVE. I really would love a psycho analysis, because I have many issues. None are too bad though, I mean I've battled many of my problems as best as I can, such as mad paranoia and self-hate.
I mean lets take the paranoia, I used to be mad paranoid.. but in my head even this day I can justify it. Why? Because in my mind if you're right about the things you're thinking it's not really paranoia. Anyway, I've stopped reading into things as much now. I used to see someone talk to someone else and think WOW THEY LIKE THAT PERSON MORE THAN ME. I HATE LIFE. And sometimes I still do get a bit jealous, but it's not as bad as it has been before. In the past LIKE.

I'm also pretty un-confident. People don't actually realise it, but if I've not met someone many times I'll be a little.. weird. I'm still trying to learn how to be a bit more hands on. I mean in this day and age people greet with a hug or something, but I'm actually afraid to, you know? Even though it's normal Idk. I've kind of set boundaries REEEEEEALLY low just incase I overstep. I really have no idea how to push them up. Just get out there with a handshake and see how far I can go each try? MAAAAAAYBE.
At least I'm better at talking.. Kind of. I mean if I'm with more than 1-2 people I have troubles, but alone it's cool. I'm a bit nervous in groups, because I don't know when I can talk.

I think my biggest problem is the massive downs I have, when I feel really shit and nobody will talk to me, when people in my house are being assholes or I get the paranoia or jealousy spikes I mentioned. I mean yes, it's gotten a lot better, but recently it has spiked up. And it is mainly because I live with a cunt now, but meh.

Also doesn't help I hate most of who I am. I mean I've been trying to be healthy but I can't even see change in myself. I mean one person has told me I look better now, but it was my mother and it was only because I said nothing has changed. And btw, I'd like to point out how greatful I am to have people that don't tell me I look great. Not sarcasm, know why? Motivation. People not telling me I look good is more motivation than someone telling me I look bad. Or even worse, telling me I look good when I don't. I mean telling me I look like shit isn't even that bad, but lying is one of the things I hate with a passion.


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