As I sit here at my computer on one of the worst nights of any given year, why is that you may ask? Well firstly it's tied with Valentines for the most depressing night for someone like myself. Both have every single person I know being together and having a good time, with me sitting here on my own feeling bad about myself. I mean yeah, I don't have to feel bad, so what if everyone has plans or has someone to care about them in person, I'm still a cool guy.
And it's also one of those nights where I have to endure loud music and disgusting smells all night long, it really does suck for me. Maybe one day I'll be "in" with friends or maybe I'll have an OTHER HALF to spend my time with.
Meh, people probably don't realisze how lucky they are to have someone. AAAAAAAANYWAY
I look back at 2012 and think to myself.. what WAS the worst moment of my year? And you know what, I can't think of one.
Not because I had so many bad times, but because I don't really have any "standing out" bad days.
SCRATCH THAT. One I can remember (and there's a reason for it I'll get to) right now is the night I went BALISTIC. And it wasn't something I wanted to do, but incase you've forgotten that night I shall recap it here.
Basically everyone went on holiday and I was left alone in the house with my brother for an entire weekend. He decided this would be his chance to invite a lot of people around to my house to do drugs, drink and play very loud music.
None of this was new, but the sheer level was much greater than it had ever been before. It went from around 9 in the morning to about 11 at night at one point, and after this long I snapped. I went downstairs, turned the electricity off and then lost it. I first started shouting, and then I proceeded to ram my brother into a door. I ran off shortly after and sat in the dark for some time.
That was not a fun experience.
This year I also found out many things that I'd pretty much known already, but were just flat out found out for sure.
A lot of these things weren't that bad, but many tore holes into me. I mean I'd put them all here but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to actually know, I just know it.
One thing I will reveal to have found out is that my father was a drug addict. I say was because he apparently stopped. And when I say drugs I specifically mean cocaine (I think that's what it was, I mean he didn't specifically tell me that much but I'm just going off what I know)
So this obviously means that I, much like every single person I know (except my 2 year old brother) will clearly die a drug user. It makes me feel a little ill.
ANOTHER THING I FOUND OUT is that every single person I know (except my 2 year old brother) has used/is using drugs. IT'S FUN TO BE ME ISN'T IT. And it's fucking sad, the simple fact that it happens in public and my fucking street reeks and I can't even call the police because they don't care. I fucking hate the law system, police came into my house once and smelt it and didn't do fucking shit. Fuck you justice system, not caring it's against the law.
My computer also broke this year, it was a sad time for me. I lost many pictures and things that were dear to me. I guess life can be a cruel bitch, but maybe it means well. I mean who wants to see nice pictures or have something they spent a lot of money on not break? Exactly.
Another thing I experienced this year was stupidity. People doing things they should not be doing. And people being trampled on yet not actually doing anything about it. I've seen people complain and say it's the end of the line, that they'll STOP. That they'll end it OR that they'll tell them no.
This was with a couple of people in the literal sense. But people just don't.
Maybe it's hard to just let go. Yes, I guess it is. But you've got to do it.
I was about to write literal examples but I've thought against it. See, I'm a nice guy.
I've also had moments in 2012 where I just wished it would all end. Where I sat all alone and realized how little I've amounted to in this life, and how little I'm actually worth. But I guess I've also realized that nobody can amount to the amount I've endured to keep the ones I care about happy. And even though the "ones I care about" are very few, it's been extremely hard. The sacrifices I make aren't of physical possession, but of mind. I have to suppress my own feelings in hopes that I can help others.
Help being a very frisky term here. Because I'm sure many people wouldn't see anything I've just said as help.
And that's the depressing half of 2012 out of the way!
The reason this is the first part is because if I post 2 blogs at the same time nobody will actually read the first. Strange that, isn't it? I'll see you in Part II! May or may not take hours.